NYC, introversion, and failing the open book test
A talk with Frank Filocomo at Cafe Reggio
Frank is the kind of guy that you instinctively trust on first glance.
Maybe it’s the round glasses that remind you of a familiar TV character. Maybe it’s the calm aura.
Whatever the combination of attributes, I found myself sitting across all of them at Cafe Reggio on a chill late September afternoon.
They say never to meet up with strangers online, but since meeting through an interview he did with me about my Third Place TikTok series, I knew I wanted to keep talking about this topic with him. Holding a Master degree, Frank reminded me of my old strictly-on-campus college friends, someone intelligent+ well spoken while also wielding the same humor as me.
Going back to attributes, the most obvious one was that he is well over 6 feet tall, something I did not account for when picking one of the more cramped tables at the cafe (sorry about that!). But, with our coffee ordered, his feet on a diagonal from his seat, and the symphony of dull clinking china +chatter dancing in the background- We got straight to business.
The best kind of business- Third Places in NYC.
Starting off with the most common discussion point I have with people in my comment section-
“What is the reality of Third Places in New York? Is it easy to find community here as people say?”
I expected a sure-fire positive agreement, because Third Places are not only plentiful but alive here due to the amount of people. But I was met with a sobering response-
“First of all I think that it’s very deceptive because people assume that, well there’s a lot of people here, I mean there’s always something going on in New York, but I think that the temperament of New Yorkers is something that you learn where you live here which is that we’re very kind of reserved…”
Which is true. Unlike the south- people aren’t coming up to you, let alone make open contact with you in the streets. To others outside of the city, this can be seen as being rude.
It takes a week or two living here to realize that the streets of NYC operate like highways. No one is going to want to stop and chat on the corner waiting for the light to change or even on the hour subway ride. Being in motion is like being in a car- where outside of walkable cities, being in a car is being in motion- anything outside of your vehicle is a shared space.
So when a suburbanite lands in the big apple, it’s a bit of a culture shock to be around SO many people and feel like you can’t talk to them. But again, that’s the norm when most of your time is spent getting to point A to point B, aka being “in transit”.
This all changes once you get around New Yorkers who are off their “highways” and inside of Third Places.
With a grin, Frank admits his favorite Third Place is a pub.
“Pubs are the way to go”.
Bars, pubs, and other alcohol forward hang out spots can be deemed as scuzzy places where degenerates hang out (my upbringing talking), but the best thing you can do in any circumstance is challenge your beliefs head on. When I challenged my beliefs about pubs- I found out that it’s just an evening place for adults to hang out and talk to each other-not a heinous gathering of drunkards.
How many drinks you down is up to you+your wallet, but all-in-all, bars are just a place to connect in public. Something Frank understood clearly.
But! not all Pubs are made the same.
Especially in NYC. Frank shared a very important yet overlooked aspect of third places-
They need to give you the feeling of freedom to talk to each other.
Owners can’t put up a “talk to each other!!!” poster and expect to conjure such a result. OR WORSE- a patronizing sign akin to, “no wifi- talk to each other LiKe tHe oLd DaYs” (respectfully, I have a hot spot for this very reason).
This feeling of freedom to interact with those around you in a space is a special passed-down-recipe that most new/modern places overlook in favor of being “edgy” aka, lifeless. How is it you can sit at a proper bar, yet feel you need to contain yourself to yourself, or else you will be taken to the town square and flogged? Is that self policing? Or are you just responding to the environment you are in?
I’ll leave that for the interior designers to answer- all we can do is take stock of how we feel in certain places and keep searching for the right one until you find this ‘feeling of freedom’ for yourself.
You may be assuming that between loving Third Places and having one of his own, that Frank is an extrovert.
At least that was a clear conclusion on my end.
In this case, he duped us both.
Frank is a self proclaimed introvert, and if that’s the case, all excuses for introverts NOT to take up space in Third Places have been revoked. So, see you out there.
But! Introversion isn’t the reason why people are afraid of going to Third Places- it’s more of our under practiced muscle of putting ourselves out there/being afraid of rejection/general social anxiety that is easy to surrender to instead of wrestling with it until we eventually find ourselves outside on a Thursday night instead of being curled up in bed by 7pm.
The best way to take on this social insecurity is to have a game plan. What are you going to say to strangers? How will you take up space? It’s easy to imagine all the way things could go wrong, but what if it all goes right?
Frank admits that being social with strangers didn’t come naturally, rather it was something he had to work on.
“I’m an only child, I’m very introverted, you know? And it is anxiety inducing to talk to people you dont know because they may not want to talk to you- but you dont know until you try.”
One thing that has made this easier is using a “third external variable” ( live music, sports on television, etc) making a comment about it, and giving room for others to respond. Results can go either way- Either they lightly comment back and revert back to their business, or give an engaging response back-then it’s off to the races.
What is missing in NYC Third Places?
My 3 years in NYC pales to Frank’s lifetime of experience of the big apple. Even though I had my own routine cafes and bars I haunted, I had to get his opinion of what he noticed Third Places are missing in NYC:
1. Barrier to enter is often prohibitive.
In layman’s terms- things cost too much. Which is like saying “water is wet”, duh! But higher cost of coffee or beer doesn’t just put a dent in our wallets, it’s making it easier for us to just stay home thus continuing the loneliness epidemic (I could go on, but we won’t bring out my tinfoil hats for this article {the tinfoil hat is a small fascinator}).
This is true across the country, but incredibly amplified in NYC. And while true, it’s up to us to find the places that we like going to AND can afford.
Frank brings up that if you can still go out in NYC, you just have to know where to go. The best spots are often not the trendiest and are often found by having a New Yorker take you there, especially since best Third Place rarely rate high on Yelp.
Dive bars, cheap restaurants, and hole-in-the-walls alike are the life line in an increasingly beige city. They also have the prices that allow you to come back for more and NOT sweat about it.
2. Music is often way too loud.
This point has been made by commenters, friends, and peers alike- so much that we should normalize making requests to establishments to turn down the music instead of resorting to yelling in each others ear.
NYC places, especially bars where the volume dial is incredible easy to maneuver, seem to equate being loud with being hip. When music pours out of doors and onto active sidewalks, I can’t help but look in. And oftentimes, there’s NO ONE on the dance floor, let alone seating areas. And if a place has blaring music, I am not going to subject myself to that kind of torture voluntarily, so the loud beats are more repulsive than inviting to potential customers.
“Music should not be the focus of a third place, it should be a background embellishment.”
One of my top 5 Frank talking points was the story he shared about a musician describing how his work as “musical wallpaper” to any of the rooms he plays in. Such a beautiful way to describe the level of music that is welcomed in a Third Place. I’d argue that silence is better than having music on, but I’d be lying if I said it’s not entirely welcome. Put it at 15% MAX so that there’s a vibe, but not so much that I don’t have to lean into a stranger’s ear just to say “EXCUSE ME”.
3. The importance of mixing elements.
In NYC, you have to make a LOT of money to simply exist. Period.
Third Places are sadly not exempt from this.
One of Frank’s favorite Third Places can be found in Dallas where there’s this cafe, bar, library, so you had more than one reason to hang around.
Frank says that more places in NYC need to do the same, and as someone who hates being kicked out of cafes at 2pm- I yet again agree with him.
Having a “robust programming” isn’t just good for diversifying your clientele- it’s a smart business move. Being able to offer different goods and host events instead being pigeonholed into ‘just coffee’ can turn a business into a community hub without sweating too much. This also diversifies their income streams, gotta pay rent somehow!
But it’s not just mixing of offerings that makes a Third Place stand out- but places also benefit from a mix of different kinds of seating, style, and lighting. When a place is sterile looking- while it might read as “hip” to the eyes, it comes off as cold and uninviting to the soul. No matter how many new minimalist Pinterest-board-esque places open up, the human spirit will always have the same reaction to these brutalist designs.
The most “at home” I felt in places is where there’s mix-matched furniture, and array of different art of the walls (bonus if it’s a local artist selling their work), and all the furniture is OLD and has CHARACTER- anything that would make a recent interior design major recoil is exactly what we need to have in these places. Something about places having the “lived in” vibe makes me want to do the same, or more so- it feels like I can do the same. Crazy how older furniture gives us that silent permission to take our time with it compared to the brutalist furniture that seemingly says “don’t you DARE use me!!!”.
I digress~
Unseen Benefits
Frank and I discovered the importance of socialization via Third Places from the same article.
Well, he actually read it. I skimmed the headline and in a panic texted my friend to hang out (Luckily, Frank shared the meat of the article with me).
If you did’t know, the findings in the above article by the Surgeon General of the United States, said that prolonged loneliness is comparable to, and in some studies deemed worse than, smoking 15 cigarettes daily, or exceeding risks from obesity and physical inactivity.
!!!!
Imagine never smoking in your life only to find out that on a molecular level, you’ve been smoking this whole time! By simply not talking to people!
Turns out that we as social creatures-without regular conversations or talking to each other- are susceptible to diseases. An open book test we are failing with flying colors.
Third Places are not some frivolous concept that’s a "nice to have” on paper- it’s lowkey a social hospital, or like a healing zone in a video game. Maybe its hard to understand if you never had one before, but when Third Places are absent in your life- you’ll pin your sad/loneliness on literally everything else in your life EXCEPT for not having a place you can take up space in, socialize, and be in community with your neighbor in.
In their absence, we self soothe/downplay the importance of Third Places with social media use, but online interaction is the junk food of how humans can be social- easy, convenient, little to no substance, and leaves you feeling worse than when you started. When was the last time you had a nutritious meal a.k.a in person hangout? It might seem like a waste of time because we are programmed to feel like anything that is not work/self improvement is a waste of time- but you’ll find that kicking it back with a friend in a Third Place makes your heart-if not soul-lighter+brighter than any online interaction could ever.
You’d never guess it by looking at him, but Frank is a cancer survivor.
During his treatment, he tried to seek out community with people that went through/are going through the same thing as he did. What he found was a few sorry excuses of Facebook groups that were basically inactive with scattered posts.
Was this the way it’s always been? There had to be a place to find true community instead of calling out to the void online.
In his loneliness and the human need to connect- he sought after how to connect with others and how on earth did American’s get to this point where the norm is to be isolated. This lead him to books like “The Great Good Place” and “Bowling Alone”, and a deep understanding and love of Third Places.
After three hours,
we wrapped up our filming. Surprise! This was supposed to be a Podcast, but for reasons I can share in the future, this conversation is able to live here, via Substack.
While NYC has a plethora of Third Places and community organizations, the biggest thing I want to share from this conversation was living in NYC meant that YOU have to find community- not rely on community finding YOU.
Frank shares the example of Schitts Creek, and how this family from the city is perplexed by the people they meet in their new small town are inviting them over for dinner as soon as they meet. It’s not that NYC’ers are against doing that, just the immediate invitations/trust are not as normal as they are in car-locked towns.
I’d argue everyone should be, but Frank is a true advocate for Third Places.
One of the last things he said in our talk is that the best way to make a change is to talk about it. We need to disrupt isolation for ourselves.
Word.
You’ll find him in at a Jazz club or a pub in Bay Ridge Brooklyn. Next time you’re looking up at a guy with round glasses in one of these places- it could be Frank (say hi to him from me and be sure to ask about his Cat).